I just watched a film from 2007 on Instant Netflix called Sex & Breakfast. As you may recall, I am in a Macaulay Culkin phase and am attempting to watch his filmography over break, in addition to that of his brothers. He starred in this movie alongside Eliza Dushku, Kuno Becker, and Alexis Dziena, none of whom are very recognizable actors. (Eliza Dushku was in Bring It On & Alexis Dziena was in a bunch of shitty romantic comedies of the late 00s - When In Rome, Fools Gold, and Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. Kuno Becker was in a series of Spanish movies.)
The story is about two couples (Mac & Alexis / Kuno & Eliza) who are having a rough period in their sex lives. For Macaulay and Alexis, the issue lies with Alexis' inclination towards "bad boys." As Macaulay's character is not a bad boy, Alexis finds it difficult to be completely attracted to him. Meanwhile, his character is kind of smarmy (a common theme in his movies, I've noticed), and doesn't want to participate in couples therapy, but is doing so anyway to be compliant. For Kuno and Eliza, the issue is that Kuno believes Eliza to be a lesbian, and has angry outbursts when she bonds with other girls, suspecting her to be cheating. Both pairs sign up for a sex therapy class in which they are encouraged to participate in group sex with another couple, and end up getting matched with each other. One couple stays together, and another one breaks up, but I WONT TELL WHO since I know you're so intrigued by this blurb that you're going to run out and rent it.
I thought this was a pretty good movie. I loved Macaulay of course, and I really liked Alexis Dziena as his girlfriend. She made the character feel very natural. The fact that I liked her speaks for her acting ability, because she was the type of character whom I generally hate. I don't get the "bad boy" thing and I think it's really annoying when girls date guys who beat up random strangers out of anger & then act surprised when they end up with a black eye. Obviously if he's willing to attack other people he's going to be willing to attack you. There's a scene where she invites her ex boyfriend over for the weekend and has Macaulay drive him home from the airport. A car cuts in front of them, and the ex boyfriend leaps out the car and beats up the driver of the other car. And Alexis gets mad at MACAULAY for "not standing up for himself." I think beating the shit out of a stranger because they cut in front of you on the highway could be classified as an "over reaction" but apparently it's super romantic. Anyway, her performance was very genuine. I liked the other actress a lot, too. The female characters were definitely the most dynamic. For the men, I thought Kuno Becker was pretty flat, but it was passable.
I thought the movie had a pretty good pace - it was mostly dialogue driven, but it never felt slow. However, it's only 81 minutes, so it's quick movie anyway. I didn't like the ending. I guess it was surprising, which could be a good thing, but I felt like a lot of the characters were just continuing on an unhealthy path. Another downside was that the humor is a little cheesy, and a lot of the banter between the couples feels forced.
Overall Quality 3/5 It's pretty entertaining & has some solid acting
Hotties 4/5 Macaulay is hot, but the other guy is totally fug
Lessons 1/5 No one learns anything in this movie
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
The Culkins
I have recently decided that the Culkins are an extremely attractive trio of actors. For clarity, I am speaking of Macaulay, Kieran, and Rory. There are 3 other sibs in the Culkin clan but they will not be discussed in this blog post, as they are not famous or actors. (The above photo is of Kieran and Macaulay)
It all began on Thanksgiving Day. I ate lunch/dinner at my dad's house in Port Matilda and then went to work at 5PM. I got off work at 11PM, and had to get up at 3AM to go Black Friday shopping w/ my mom. Knowing that I would be unable to wake up that early, I decided to just stay up the entire night. I went to Target first and then ended up at WalMart at around 4:15 to get in line for the electronics sale that started at 5. It was then that I purchased a Blu Ray Player, along w/ the film Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (which I HIGHLY recommend). This movie co stars Kieran Culkin as Scott Pilgrim's roommate, and he does an excellent job. Perhaps my exhaustion awakened my senses to the truth - or perhaps my mature sensibilities have led me to seek outside my previous fake love Davy Jones. Whatever the reason, it was then that I realized that Kieran Culkin is fucking sexy.
Intrigued, I began watching other recent Culkin films. My blu ray player came with a $15.99 credit towards movies on some app called "Vudu," so I ordered the movie Saved! for $3.99. I had seen Saved! when it was originally released in theaters in 2004 and thought it was great. It's a story about a girl who goes to a Born Again Christian school, whose boyfriend confesses to being gay. In order to save him from damnation, she has sex with him to try and change him into a heterosexual. She then becomes pregnant, and a whole bunch of shit ensues. I was in Catholic school at the time, so I was curious if I would still enjoy it as much, and I definitely did. My rental was for 48 hours and I watched it twice. Anyways, one of the main characters is played by Macaulay Culkin, and he has fine written all over him. As if that's not enough, I watched some interviews with him on YouTube, and he seems like a totally nice guy. Unfortunately, he's currently dating Mila Kunis, who is approximately 8,000x hotter than I am, so I'm not confident about my chances. He's also 30 years old, but that's totally a minor detail.
I tried to buy the movie Lymelife on Vudu also, but for some reason the sound didn't work, so I was unable to watch it. Lymelife stars Rory Culkin, although Kieran is also in it. This means that the only movie featuring Rory I have to report on is Signs, in which he is 12 years old. That's kind of creepy, but today Rory is the same age as me - 21! And he's single! (Kieran is 27 - and dating Emma Stone, who is also 8,000x hotter than I am) So I guess the conclusion here is that my best chance is with Rory. Which kind of sucks because I don't like his long hair style. But maybe we can assume that when we start dating he'll cut it off for me.
IN CONCLUSION
Through my journey I determined that the sex appeal comes from the "sleepy face" that all the Culkins have. When I told Sky about my new interest, she said was "not surprised." I don't know what that says about me. However, as soon as I watch Igby Goes Down, Lymelife, and Party Monster, I will have more to report on the matter. STAY TUNED
Monday, December 6, 2010
Tangled 3D / The Fate of Princess Movies
I recently saw Tangled 3D at my theater the other day. I missed the first 8 minutes because I somehow managed to mix up the times, despite BEING EMPLOYED BY THE THEATER, so I can't speak for the intro or the opening credits, but I can tell you that the entire rest of the movie is 100% awesome. Sky thinks its as good as The Little Mermaid, with which I agree. In fact, I think it's as good as Pocahontas, but when I told this to Sky she become outraged and called me blasphemous. Apparently you can't just go around saying a movie is as good as Pocahontas, there are procedures and field studies and years of research that are required for such bold a statement. (But I stand by it.)
"Tangled" is a Disney movie that was originally titled "Rapunzel" which is in fact about the fairy tale Rapunzel. They changed the title after the lackluster success of "Princess and the Frog" last year, which fell way below expectations and still didn't even make back the budget last time I checked. So Disney got this idea that "princess movies" are no longer marketable, because they marginalize the film into a female demographic, which means that families with more than one child will more likely see a movie that's agreeable to both sexes instead. Because the title "Rapunzel" is immediately recognized as a "princess movie," they changed it to "Tangled," which gives no indicator as to the subject matter.
First of all, I have some things to say about the concept of a princess movie. I think a lot of Disney movies are categorized as being princess, when they actually have nothing to do with royalty or kingship. Any movie with a female lead is immediately labeled "princess." For instance, Belle from Beauty in the Beast is a peasant until the last 5 minutes of the movie, and she's considered a Disney Princess. So is Mulan, and she's a princess for literally none of the movie. Pocahontas is almost technically a princess, but she doesn't live in a castle, go to evening balls, or do anything featured in the original princess movies. Jasmine from Aladdin is a legit princess, but she's a supporting character at best. The only true princess movies are Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and Snow White.
I agree with Disney that its risky to put out a princess movie these days, but I disagree that it's because it alienates families with boys. I think Princess and the Frog didn't work because princess movies themselves don't work. Princess and the Frog features an African American princess, because for a long time people made the argument that Disney doesn't have any African American princess movies. While that's true, what people failed to mention is that Disney hasn't made a princess movie since 1959. Snow White came out in 1937 for fuck's sake. I think they should have titled Princess and the Frog something else, because really it's not about a princess either, it's about a poor girl. They should have made the emphasis that it was a movie with a black lead, not that it was a movie with a black princess. People don't like the princess movies as much because they really aren't that good. I haven't watched Snow White since I was 7, but I watch Mulan at least once a year, and I have the Pocahontas soundtrack on my iPod. The only reason people loved Snow White so much is because it was 1937 and there were like 6 movies in theaters and the fact that pictures could move and talk was already half the entertainment. Aurora of Sleeping Beauty isn't even in her movie! She's the sleeping beauty, and she's on screen less than Jasmine from Aladdin. And with a release date of 1959, Aurora is easily the freshest of the princesses. Why would kids want to go see a princess sleep for 70 minutes and then get married at 16 when they could watch a merry band of hilarious toys go on an adventure and learn about friendship? I know which one I would (and did) pick.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR PRINCESS MOVIES?
Stop making them & stick to a story that's actually dynamic. Interesting characters/dialogue are also a plus.
Quality 5/5 It's awesome. Would definitely see again.
Hottie Quotient 3/5 Zachary Levi is actually pretty attractive in real life
Worthiness to Previous Disney Classics 4/5 It's not as good as the Lion King, but it's definitely as good as the other Renaissance movies
"Tangled" is a Disney movie that was originally titled "Rapunzel" which is in fact about the fairy tale Rapunzel. They changed the title after the lackluster success of "Princess and the Frog" last year, which fell way below expectations and still didn't even make back the budget last time I checked. So Disney got this idea that "princess movies" are no longer marketable, because they marginalize the film into a female demographic, which means that families with more than one child will more likely see a movie that's agreeable to both sexes instead. Because the title "Rapunzel" is immediately recognized as a "princess movie," they changed it to "Tangled," which gives no indicator as to the subject matter.
First of all, I have some things to say about the concept of a princess movie. I think a lot of Disney movies are categorized as being princess, when they actually have nothing to do with royalty or kingship. Any movie with a female lead is immediately labeled "princess." For instance, Belle from Beauty in the Beast is a peasant until the last 5 minutes of the movie, and she's considered a Disney Princess. So is Mulan, and she's a princess for literally none of the movie. Pocahontas is almost technically a princess, but she doesn't live in a castle, go to evening balls, or do anything featured in the original princess movies. Jasmine from Aladdin is a legit princess, but she's a supporting character at best. The only true princess movies are Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and Snow White.
I agree with Disney that its risky to put out a princess movie these days, but I disagree that it's because it alienates families with boys. I think Princess and the Frog didn't work because princess movies themselves don't work. Princess and the Frog features an African American princess, because for a long time people made the argument that Disney doesn't have any African American princess movies. While that's true, what people failed to mention is that Disney hasn't made a princess movie since 1959. Snow White came out in 1937 for fuck's sake. I think they should have titled Princess and the Frog something else, because really it's not about a princess either, it's about a poor girl. They should have made the emphasis that it was a movie with a black lead, not that it was a movie with a black princess. People don't like the princess movies as much because they really aren't that good. I haven't watched Snow White since I was 7, but I watch Mulan at least once a year, and I have the Pocahontas soundtrack on my iPod. The only reason people loved Snow White so much is because it was 1937 and there were like 6 movies in theaters and the fact that pictures could move and talk was already half the entertainment. Aurora of Sleeping Beauty isn't even in her movie! She's the sleeping beauty, and she's on screen less than Jasmine from Aladdin. And with a release date of 1959, Aurora is easily the freshest of the princesses. Why would kids want to go see a princess sleep for 70 minutes and then get married at 16 when they could watch a merry band of hilarious toys go on an adventure and learn about friendship? I know which one I would (and did) pick.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR PRINCESS MOVIES?
Stop making them & stick to a story that's actually dynamic. Interesting characters/dialogue are also a plus.
Quality 5/5 It's awesome. Would definitely see again.
Hottie Quotient 3/5 Zachary Levi is actually pretty attractive in real life
Worthiness to Previous Disney Classics 4/5 It's not as good as the Lion King, but it's definitely as good as the other Renaissance movies
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Cosmopolitan Magazine
This post has nothing to do with movies, but I decided to write it anyway because I am a) drunk and b) fed up with Cosmopolitan magazine.
IN THE BEGINNING...
So I have this issue of Cosmo sitting in my bathroom. It has Lauren Conrad on the cover, and a lot of advertisements on what my man is craving and how to take him from zero to blast off. The fact that I saw a magazine cover in which ejaculation was referred to as "blast off," and then proceeded to buy it should be enough to have me institutionalized, but that's a post for another time. For whatever reason, the Cosmo ended up in my bathroom and I have read it cover to cover many times, and each time it has made me increasingly angry. Here is a series of reasons why no one should purchase Cosmo:
1. It's Fucking Presumptuous
Cosmo has a lot of bold assumptions about what all women (or Fun Fearless Females, as Cosmo says) do, think, eat, want, read, watch, believe, and imagine. And they are all wrong. I mean I guess they're right for someone, perhaps Lauren Conrad, but definitely not for me.
The first thing FFFs want, according to Cosmo, is "the answers to all the crazy sex questions you're too terrified to ask!! But don't worry WE WENT THERE!" These crazy sex questions range from "If you're pregnant, can his penis hit the baby?" and "My guy has asthma, does that mean he can't have sex?" First of all, THANKS COSMO for pushing the limits of journalism where others before you could not. Thank God somebody's tackling the hot button issues. Second of all, what kind of magazine buying adults wrote those letters and sent them in? Half the articles in the magazine are about marriage, and a substantial amount are about "careers," so I don't understand how someone w/ either one of those doesn't know where the uterus is located.
The second thing FFFs want is to eat salads and drink spring water. You might think that sounds esoteric, but trust me, those two items appear more often in this magazine than anything else besides men. One of their common reader dilemmas is "What to do when all your man wants for dinner is greasy food and beer! Yuck!" It literally says yuck. Are you kidding me? Is there another magazine out there where all men do is write in about me? "ALL KATIE WANTS TO DO IS EAT PIZZA AND GO TO THE BAR. OMG HELP A BRO OUT!" There's a photo of Chinese food and Lionshead on the cover, with the caption HOW TO TAKE KATIE TO BLAST OFF! This goes hand in hand with the assumption that everyone on Earth wants to lose weight. There are always articles on dieting labeled as the "health section," but it's actually not about health, its strictly about weight loss. If you're anemic, fuck you, that's not a real health problem.
2. None of the Guys in It Are Hot
None. They have all these pics of "mouth watering hotties," which are absolutely not hot at all. They all look like Sam Worthington knock offs, except the one black guy, who is always bald. I guess being bald makes him more palatable to FFFs? They have no short guys, no Bradley Coopers, and nothing of interest for me.
3. It Pretends to Be Progressive
Cosmo acts like it's creating some type of 2nd sexual revolution. It's not. All of the articles about how to please the boyfriend you definitely have, and how to make him the husband you definitely want. There's one about what to put in your bathroom so your boyfriend doesn't have to use your girly products. I have a crazy idea for Cosmo: If he doesn't like rain fresh shampoo then he can use his own bathroom. It also has a habit of dismissing all misbehavior by men as easily forgivable acts of fear. "Your man ignores you and tells everyone you're a slut? HE GOT TOO ATTACHED AND FREAKED!" OK well next time he gets "freaked" he can also get "dumped" because there's no reason they should be excused for acting like a dick.
That's all I have for now.
IN THE BEGINNING...
So I have this issue of Cosmo sitting in my bathroom. It has Lauren Conrad on the cover, and a lot of advertisements on what my man is craving and how to take him from zero to blast off. The fact that I saw a magazine cover in which ejaculation was referred to as "blast off," and then proceeded to buy it should be enough to have me institutionalized, but that's a post for another time. For whatever reason, the Cosmo ended up in my bathroom and I have read it cover to cover many times, and each time it has made me increasingly angry. Here is a series of reasons why no one should purchase Cosmo:
1. It's Fucking Presumptuous
Cosmo has a lot of bold assumptions about what all women (or Fun Fearless Females, as Cosmo says) do, think, eat, want, read, watch, believe, and imagine. And they are all wrong. I mean I guess they're right for someone, perhaps Lauren Conrad, but definitely not for me.
The first thing FFFs want, according to Cosmo, is "the answers to all the crazy sex questions you're too terrified to ask!! But don't worry WE WENT THERE!" These crazy sex questions range from "If you're pregnant, can his penis hit the baby?" and "My guy has asthma, does that mean he can't have sex?" First of all, THANKS COSMO for pushing the limits of journalism where others before you could not. Thank God somebody's tackling the hot button issues. Second of all, what kind of magazine buying adults wrote those letters and sent them in? Half the articles in the magazine are about marriage, and a substantial amount are about "careers," so I don't understand how someone w/ either one of those doesn't know where the uterus is located.
The second thing FFFs want is to eat salads and drink spring water. You might think that sounds esoteric, but trust me, those two items appear more often in this magazine than anything else besides men. One of their common reader dilemmas is "What to do when all your man wants for dinner is greasy food and beer! Yuck!" It literally says yuck. Are you kidding me? Is there another magazine out there where all men do is write in about me? "ALL KATIE WANTS TO DO IS EAT PIZZA AND GO TO THE BAR. OMG HELP A BRO OUT!" There's a photo of Chinese food and Lionshead on the cover, with the caption HOW TO TAKE KATIE TO BLAST OFF! This goes hand in hand with the assumption that everyone on Earth wants to lose weight. There are always articles on dieting labeled as the "health section," but it's actually not about health, its strictly about weight loss. If you're anemic, fuck you, that's not a real health problem.
2. None of the Guys in It Are Hot
None. They have all these pics of "mouth watering hotties," which are absolutely not hot at all. They all look like Sam Worthington knock offs, except the one black guy, who is always bald. I guess being bald makes him more palatable to FFFs? They have no short guys, no Bradley Coopers, and nothing of interest for me.
3. It Pretends to Be Progressive
Cosmo acts like it's creating some type of 2nd sexual revolution. It's not. All of the articles about how to please the boyfriend you definitely have, and how to make him the husband you definitely want. There's one about what to put in your bathroom so your boyfriend doesn't have to use your girly products. I have a crazy idea for Cosmo: If he doesn't like rain fresh shampoo then he can use his own bathroom. It also has a habit of dismissing all misbehavior by men as easily forgivable acts of fear. "Your man ignores you and tells everyone you're a slut? HE GOT TOO ATTACHED AND FREAKED!" OK well next time he gets "freaked" he can also get "dumped" because there's no reason they should be excused for acting like a dick.
That's all I have for now.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Case 39
Blinded (and apparently deafened, and review-deferred) by my love for Bradley Cooper, I decided to watch the moving picture Case 39 today. Before I even get into how bafflingly awful this movie is, let me state upfront that I expected it to be subpar and/or shitty, based on its 24% on RottenTomatoes and the fact that it was originally filmed in 2006 and left on the backburner until the "perfect moment," (which was apparently September 2010, opening against another horror movie.) What I didn't expect was how slack paced and BORING it was, barring the brief 3 minute sequence in which Bradley Cooper is shirtless. I left the theater at 7:15 and it seriously felt like midnight.
ANYWAY here's a synopsis so yins can get a feel for the story: A child services worker played by Renee Zellweger (who made a vow in 2002 to never again appear in a compelling film) is given 38 different cases to work on at one time, leaving her swamped, frazzled and ready to call it quits! Just when she thinks things can't get hairier, her boss gives her her 39th case - that of a meek little girl named Lily who turns Renee's world upside down and teaches her how to love. If you think this doesn't sound like a horror movie, you're correct, because for the first ENTIRE HOUR of the film, it isn't one. Renee investigates the girl, figures out her parents are trying to murder her in an oven, and decides to adopt her. Months pass and everything is going swimmingly, until suddenly another one of Renee's case kids decides to murder his parents with a tire iron. Shortly after that, Renee's boyfriend played by Bradley Cooper (I think they're dating in reality too, but it's not a reality I accept so we can overlook that) mysteriously kills himself. Renee uses these two pieces of evidence to determine that her newly adopted daughter is actually Satan, and she must destroy her before it's too late.
The first grievance I have with this movie is that it's boring as shit. The plot slogs along while we learn what Renee does in her spare time, what every room in her house looks like, how many pet fish she has, and what she and Bradley do on the weekends. My second grievance is that it makes almost no sense whatsoever. The fact that the little girl is a secret demon incarnate is the most believable aspect of the story. First of all, we spend at least 20 minutes in the first few scenes hearing about how fast paced and work laden Renee's life is. She's so bogged down with her career, she doesn't have time to date Bradley Cooper (which is also bullshit. Everyone has time to date fuckin Bradley Cooper.) Yet when she decides to adopt Lily, she suddenly has tons of free time in which to care for an elementary age child, by herself, with zero experience. It isn't until weeks into the new family setup that Renee inquires about sending Lily "back to school." What the hell were they doing all that time? Was Lily just sitting alone at home all day? What happened to the other 38 cases Renee had been working on simultaneously?
When Lily finally does get back in school, nothing happens for another two months. Renee and Bradley never start dating, even though there's plenty of foreshadowing & Renee seemingly has all this free time to whip up omelets for breakfast every morning. Lily doesn't do anything evil and acts completely timid and soft spoken. Because they waste so much time frolicking around from scene to scene in the first act, the second act is crammed into a 20 minute hodgepodge of events. First some 10 yr old kid named Diego beats his parents into a puddle in their bedroom (an incident that pretty much flies under the radar in terms of news coverage & public distress), which he attributes to a mysterious phone call he received at 2AM from Renee's home land line. Renee suspects it may have been Lily, but brushes it off when Lily claims to know nothing about it. Later, Bradley Cooper does an interview with Lily to determine her group therapy placement. She turns into a complete dick 12 seconds into the interview, and starts giving all these snarky and ominous replies. She asks Bradley what his greatest fear is, to which he responds "hornets." He leaves the interview shaken, and explains briefly to Renee that he thinks Lily was threatening him. Later, he is attacked in his bathroom by hornets that crawl out of his face. This is both the best and worst scene in the film - you get to see Bradley shirtless, he's the only character on screen, and there isn't any dialogue, however, he also dies, and you spend the entire sequence haunted by the knowledge that this will be the last even remotely engaging thing you will see on screen until the credits.
After Bradley dies, we begin to barrel through the plot, starting with Renee's instantaneous conviction that Lily is evil and has caused the past 2 deaths. Renee heads down to the local mental institution to get the sitch from Lily's parents, who inform her that Lily is a demon, and that they tried to kill her for weeks, but failed due to the fact that Lily "almost never sleeps," which apparently did not seem strange for the first two months Renee lived with her. When Renee gets home, we learn that Lily can read minds, and that she knows Renee is on to her. For some reason Renee decides she's going to drug Lily with sleeping pills by crushing them into her tea, and then kill her while she's asleep. If she was going to do that, she could have just put poison in Lily's tea and reduced it to a one step process, but it doesn't matter anyway because LILY CAN READ MINDS and she knows that the tea has been altered. A bunch of bullshit happens, and there's a part where Lily's enflamed ghost mom thing chases Renee down the street and it's actually kind of scary. After that Renee sets her house on fire to kill Lily, but it turns out Lily escaped prior to the fire. Because she can read minds.
The police are totally cool with the blazing inferno & Renee's cold dead stare in the driveway, so they tell her to come drive to the station to find a place to sleep. Renee and Lily start to follow behind the squad cars, but Renee suddenly goes crazy and decides to swerve all over the road and shit to kill Lily. Earlier in the film, we learn that Renee's mother died in a car accident on a rainy night, and sure enough, tonight is a rainy night. Lily creates a scene to visualize Renee's "worst nightmare," which is dying like her mother did. A giant truck swerves in front of them, but Renee drives right through, giving the same "I AM NOT AFRAID BECAUSE I DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU" schpiel that can be found in many other, better horror movies. Lo and behold, the truck vanishes just as they are about to collide! However, for some reason this does not actually defeat Lily, so Renee goes flying off a nearby dock into the ocean. Renee escapes and Lily drowns, after transforming into a pretty ripped demon. THE END
Quality 1/5 This movie is a train wreck.
Hottie Quotient 3/5 Bradley Cooper is super hot, but he's not in it enough, and he dies. Also his hair is kind of short.
Respect for Renee Zelwegger Preservation 2/5 Come on. New in Town? Leatherheads? You're an Oscar winner for crying out loud.
ANYWAY here's a synopsis so yins can get a feel for the story: A child services worker played by Renee Zellweger (who made a vow in 2002 to never again appear in a compelling film) is given 38 different cases to work on at one time, leaving her swamped, frazzled and ready to call it quits! Just when she thinks things can't get hairier, her boss gives her her 39th case - that of a meek little girl named Lily who turns Renee's world upside down and teaches her how to love. If you think this doesn't sound like a horror movie, you're correct, because for the first ENTIRE HOUR of the film, it isn't one. Renee investigates the girl, figures out her parents are trying to murder her in an oven, and decides to adopt her. Months pass and everything is going swimmingly, until suddenly another one of Renee's case kids decides to murder his parents with a tire iron. Shortly after that, Renee's boyfriend played by Bradley Cooper (I think they're dating in reality too, but it's not a reality I accept so we can overlook that) mysteriously kills himself. Renee uses these two pieces of evidence to determine that her newly adopted daughter is actually Satan, and she must destroy her before it's too late.
The first grievance I have with this movie is that it's boring as shit. The plot slogs along while we learn what Renee does in her spare time, what every room in her house looks like, how many pet fish she has, and what she and Bradley do on the weekends. My second grievance is that it makes almost no sense whatsoever. The fact that the little girl is a secret demon incarnate is the most believable aspect of the story. First of all, we spend at least 20 minutes in the first few scenes hearing about how fast paced and work laden Renee's life is. She's so bogged down with her career, she doesn't have time to date Bradley Cooper (which is also bullshit. Everyone has time to date fuckin Bradley Cooper.) Yet when she decides to adopt Lily, she suddenly has tons of free time in which to care for an elementary age child, by herself, with zero experience. It isn't until weeks into the new family setup that Renee inquires about sending Lily "back to school." What the hell were they doing all that time? Was Lily just sitting alone at home all day? What happened to the other 38 cases Renee had been working on simultaneously?
When Lily finally does get back in school, nothing happens for another two months. Renee and Bradley never start dating, even though there's plenty of foreshadowing & Renee seemingly has all this free time to whip up omelets for breakfast every morning. Lily doesn't do anything evil and acts completely timid and soft spoken. Because they waste so much time frolicking around from scene to scene in the first act, the second act is crammed into a 20 minute hodgepodge of events. First some 10 yr old kid named Diego beats his parents into a puddle in their bedroom (an incident that pretty much flies under the radar in terms of news coverage & public distress), which he attributes to a mysterious phone call he received at 2AM from Renee's home land line. Renee suspects it may have been Lily, but brushes it off when Lily claims to know nothing about it. Later, Bradley Cooper does an interview with Lily to determine her group therapy placement. She turns into a complete dick 12 seconds into the interview, and starts giving all these snarky and ominous replies. She asks Bradley what his greatest fear is, to which he responds "hornets." He leaves the interview shaken, and explains briefly to Renee that he thinks Lily was threatening him. Later, he is attacked in his bathroom by hornets that crawl out of his face. This is both the best and worst scene in the film - you get to see Bradley shirtless, he's the only character on screen, and there isn't any dialogue, however, he also dies, and you spend the entire sequence haunted by the knowledge that this will be the last even remotely engaging thing you will see on screen until the credits.
After Bradley dies, we begin to barrel through the plot, starting with Renee's instantaneous conviction that Lily is evil and has caused the past 2 deaths. Renee heads down to the local mental institution to get the sitch from Lily's parents, who inform her that Lily is a demon, and that they tried to kill her for weeks, but failed due to the fact that Lily "almost never sleeps," which apparently did not seem strange for the first two months Renee lived with her. When Renee gets home, we learn that Lily can read minds, and that she knows Renee is on to her. For some reason Renee decides she's going to drug Lily with sleeping pills by crushing them into her tea, and then kill her while she's asleep. If she was going to do that, she could have just put poison in Lily's tea and reduced it to a one step process, but it doesn't matter anyway because LILY CAN READ MINDS and she knows that the tea has been altered. A bunch of bullshit happens, and there's a part where Lily's enflamed ghost mom thing chases Renee down the street and it's actually kind of scary. After that Renee sets her house on fire to kill Lily, but it turns out Lily escaped prior to the fire. Because she can read minds.
The police are totally cool with the blazing inferno & Renee's cold dead stare in the driveway, so they tell her to come drive to the station to find a place to sleep. Renee and Lily start to follow behind the squad cars, but Renee suddenly goes crazy and decides to swerve all over the road and shit to kill Lily. Earlier in the film, we learn that Renee's mother died in a car accident on a rainy night, and sure enough, tonight is a rainy night. Lily creates a scene to visualize Renee's "worst nightmare," which is dying like her mother did. A giant truck swerves in front of them, but Renee drives right through, giving the same "I AM NOT AFRAID BECAUSE I DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU" schpiel that can be found in many other, better horror movies. Lo and behold, the truck vanishes just as they are about to collide! However, for some reason this does not actually defeat Lily, so Renee goes flying off a nearby dock into the ocean. Renee escapes and Lily drowns, after transforming into a pretty ripped demon. THE END
Quality 1/5 This movie is a train wreck.
Hottie Quotient 3/5 Bradley Cooper is super hot, but he's not in it enough, and he dies. Also his hair is kind of short.
Respect for Renee Zelwegger Preservation 2/5 Come on. New in Town? Leatherheads? You're an Oscar winner for crying out loud.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Bradley Cooper: Hot Actor or Hottest Actor
Bradley Cooper might be the hottest actor alive today. I don't know what it is about him, but I am so into it right now. He was the only character I liked in Valentine's Day, he was the reason I saw A-Team three times and All About Steve at all, and he was the reason I got drunk and kept screaming at the TV during He's Just Not That Into You. There are other actors whom I think are hot, but Bradley is definitely number 1. Therefore, I have composed this list of his sexiest roles for your convenience.
6. Wedding Crashers
This movie is definitely his least sexy role. I mean he looks good, but they put him in a lot of dumb outfits and his hair is too short. His character is also a complete and total ass, which is off putting.
5. He's Just Not That Into You
Once again his character is a complete ass. You would think they would just cast him as the sexy crime fighting, bunny petting, chicken alfredo cooking, world saving six pack of hot justice that he is, but apparently Hollywood thinks he's more readable as a doucher. However, his hair is longer in this one, and he wears a lot of standard successful man outfits so he looks good enough that it overrides the "cheating on his wife" aspect of the film.
4. Valentine's Day
First of all, he's barely in this movie at all, which is bullshit, especially considering Ashton Kutcher is on screen for about 105 more minutes than necessary, and there's a plot line with two old people that never manifests into anything or connects with the rest of the story. However, if you plan on just skipping all the Valentine's Day hijinks to the good parts, you will find Bradley looking extremely handsome with long hair, a waistcoat, and some neck scruff. He also turns out to be gay in the end, and the scene in which he reunites with his bf is super adorable & the highlight of the movie.
3. All About Steve
OK if you haven't seen this movie, then just be forewarned that it is as bad as everyone says it is. I wont get into it now because there's nothing I can say that a 05% rating on RottenTomatoes can't tell you, but just know that should you choose to sit through all of it, you may emerge frozen in a cringing position. That being said, Bradley is super hot in it, and you get to see a lot of him because he's one of the main characters. His character is also a good person, although he plays a regular Joe so he's just more kind of polite than really awesome.
2. The Hangover
You've seen it, I don't need to tell you. This is the movie in which his unofficial role is "The hot guy." Long hair, scruff, sunglasses, it's all there. He's awesome, the character's awesome, just go watch it again, because I know you own it.
1. A-Team
There is a scene in this film in which he takes his shirt off to first reveal his amazing six pack, and all of the three times I watched it the audience audibly gasped. It's truly unbelievable. If you didn't see this move in theaters, you've missed a very rich and fulfilling life experience. He's ripped to total shreds, tan, has just the right amount of body hair to seem manly w/o seeming uncle-y, long hair, cool outfits, scruff. Not only is he a good guy, but he saves the damn mission in the end. A+
Devil
So, we don't post anything because we're super procrastinators and spend time on things like searching for halloween costume ideas and making vegan shepard's pie, but TONIGHT IS THE EXCEPTION. I just saw Devil and I'm going to write a review while it's all fresh in my mind.
Devil is about a bunch of people who get on an elevator in a big fancy lawyer building in Philadelphia (PENNSYLVANIA PRIDE!). Whilst on that elevator, it breaks down and gets trapped midway between two stops. The people trapped start panicking and pressing the emergency buttons. The security guards who are keeping watch in the TV monitor room are able to see all the people & talk to them, but the people aren't able to talk to the guards. Everything seems standard at first, but then scary inexplicable things start happening and people start dying, and the detective in charge of the situation has to crack the case before everything descends into total chaos.
I'm going to level with you, this movie is not super good. The actors aren't good, it's not very scary, the ending is kind of predictable, it has a key plot point that you will remember from Signs, and for being a suspense thriller it's honestly not very suspenseful. However, we need to look past all this and focus on the good. So M. Night Shyamalan is one of the writers for this movie, accredited with the "story," and I have always liked this guy. His last few movies (Lady in the Water, The Happening, The Last Airbender) have been terrible, and it pains me to see him getting worse and worse. I went through the same thing with my gal Britney Spears. I was really hoping The Last Airbender was going to be his big comeback, and then that just got so destroyed I was afraid he wasn't going to be able to resuscitate his dignity. However, Devil actually isn't that bad, and a bunch of people I've talked to liked it, so perhaps this is a glimmer of hope for M. Night. Maybe his next big comeback is just around the corner. I feel like he has a genuine passion for filmmaking and I would really like to see him get some critical success in the future.
Overall: 2.5/5 it's fine. I don't know. Probably good for seeing with your dad or something.
Hotties: 4/5 There's actually a pretty hot guy in this movie, which I didn't realize. He has a lot of screen time and some type of accent. He looks like Eames from Inception.
Hope for M. Night: 3/5 He's not out of the water yet, but he's on the right path
Devil is about a bunch of people who get on an elevator in a big fancy lawyer building in Philadelphia (PENNSYLVANIA PRIDE!). Whilst on that elevator, it breaks down and gets trapped midway between two stops. The people trapped start panicking and pressing the emergency buttons. The security guards who are keeping watch in the TV monitor room are able to see all the people & talk to them, but the people aren't able to talk to the guards. Everything seems standard at first, but then scary inexplicable things start happening and people start dying, and the detective in charge of the situation has to crack the case before everything descends into total chaos.
I'm going to level with you, this movie is not super good. The actors aren't good, it's not very scary, the ending is kind of predictable, it has a key plot point that you will remember from Signs, and for being a suspense thriller it's honestly not very suspenseful. However, we need to look past all this and focus on the good. So M. Night Shyamalan is one of the writers for this movie, accredited with the "story," and I have always liked this guy. His last few movies (Lady in the Water, The Happening, The Last Airbender) have been terrible, and it pains me to see him getting worse and worse. I went through the same thing with my gal Britney Spears. I was really hoping The Last Airbender was going to be his big comeback, and then that just got so destroyed I was afraid he wasn't going to be able to resuscitate his dignity. However, Devil actually isn't that bad, and a bunch of people I've talked to liked it, so perhaps this is a glimmer of hope for M. Night. Maybe his next big comeback is just around the corner. I feel like he has a genuine passion for filmmaking and I would really like to see him get some critical success in the future.
Overall: 2.5/5 it's fine. I don't know. Probably good for seeing with your dad or something.
Hotties: 4/5 There's actually a pretty hot guy in this movie, which I didn't realize. He has a lot of screen time and some type of accent. He looks like Eames from Inception.
Hope for M. Night: 3/5 He's not out of the water yet, but he's on the right path
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Despicable Me
Despicable Me is a computer animated kids movie that was released on July 9th. It has a pretty notable voice cast, the most prominent actors being Steve Carell, Jason Segal, Miranda Cosgrove, and Russell Brand. It's about 90 minutes long, and has a cute story. WHICH GOES A LITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS:
The main protagonist is an evil Russian-type villain named Gru (Steve Carell), who aspires to steal the moon and become the greatest villain of all time. However, he's too poor to obtain the proper resources, and the bank refuses to lend him any more money, given his previous string of failed nefarious schemes. So, he decides to steal a Shrink Ray (which is necessary to his moon heist), from a young up-and-coming villain named Vector (Jason Segal), in order to convince the bank of his competence. Because Vector would never let Gru enter his fortress without suspicion, Gru decides to adopt three little girls, (the eldest of which is voiced by Miranda Cosgrove), and secretly enlist them into his plot. This leads them on a madcap adventure, which ultimately ends with Gru finally realizing what his life has been missing - A FAMILY. AWW.
So, this movie is pretty good. It's actually not as funny as I thought it would be given the voice talent. The humor is mostly built upon zany physical pratfalls, which are amusing exclusively to children. Gru's hoard of identical mindless minions living in his laboratory provide a lot of the comedy. It seems like a weird choice, but it's actually kind of admirable, due to the fact that "cartoon-y" cartoons have become pretty blase in the past twenty years. It definitely stands apart from How to Train Your Dragon and the super existential Toy Story 3. Steve Carell and Jason Segal are pretty funny as their respective characters, and Russell Brand is unrecognizable as Gru's assistant Dr. Nefario, for whatever that's worth. Miranda Cosgrove does a decent job with orphan Margo, although she is perpetually shadowed by the youngest orphan Agnes, who is given all of the adorable cheeky lines. I can't speak for the 3D because I didn't see it in 3D, but there are some sequences during the credits which were clearly intended for 3D, so if you're into the gimmicky pop-out-at-your-face paddle ball type gags, get it while the gettins good. Oh and for anyone who cares, Pharrell did a couple of original songs for this movie, none of which are good or memorable.
Overall 3/5 - it's a cute movie.
Hottie Factor 0/5 - it's animated?
Wacky Shenanigans 4/5 Pretty much as many as you could ask for short of straight up Loony Tunes
The main protagonist is an evil Russian-type villain named Gru (Steve Carell), who aspires to steal the moon and become the greatest villain of all time. However, he's too poor to obtain the proper resources, and the bank refuses to lend him any more money, given his previous string of failed nefarious schemes. So, he decides to steal a Shrink Ray (which is necessary to his moon heist), from a young up-and-coming villain named Vector (Jason Segal), in order to convince the bank of his competence. Because Vector would never let Gru enter his fortress without suspicion, Gru decides to adopt three little girls, (the eldest of which is voiced by Miranda Cosgrove), and secretly enlist them into his plot. This leads them on a madcap adventure, which ultimately ends with Gru finally realizing what his life has been missing - A FAMILY. AWW.
So, this movie is pretty good. It's actually not as funny as I thought it would be given the voice talent. The humor is mostly built upon zany physical pratfalls, which are amusing exclusively to children. Gru's hoard of identical mindless minions living in his laboratory provide a lot of the comedy. It seems like a weird choice, but it's actually kind of admirable, due to the fact that "cartoon-y" cartoons have become pretty blase in the past twenty years. It definitely stands apart from How to Train Your Dragon and the super existential Toy Story 3. Steve Carell and Jason Segal are pretty funny as their respective characters, and Russell Brand is unrecognizable as Gru's assistant Dr. Nefario, for whatever that's worth. Miranda Cosgrove does a decent job with orphan Margo, although she is perpetually shadowed by the youngest orphan Agnes, who is given all of the adorable cheeky lines. I can't speak for the 3D because I didn't see it in 3D, but there are some sequences during the credits which were clearly intended for 3D, so if you're into the gimmicky pop-out-at-your-face paddle ball type gags, get it while the gettins good. Oh and for anyone who cares, Pharrell did a couple of original songs for this movie, none of which are good or memorable.
Overall 3/5 - it's a cute movie.
Hottie Factor 0/5 - it's animated?
Wacky Shenanigans 4/5 Pretty much as many as you could ask for short of straight up Loony Tunes
Our First Review-Of INCEPTION!
Oh, Chris. Chris, Chris, Chris. You did it again-- you sucked me in. Another amazing, impenetrable thrill ride of a movie.
Inception is Christopher Nolan's follow up to the behemoth summer blockbuster The Dark Knight. He's also directed Batman Begins, Memento, and The Prestige, all of which I have enjoyed/enjoyed being confused about. And I enjoyed being confused about this movie, too.
This movie is BIG. It's long, it's packed full of special effects, and the story...I don't think I could explain it fully if I tried. In simple terms, Leonardo DiCaprio is a thief named Cobb who can enter people's dreams and learn their secrets as they sleep. He is contracted by Saito (Ken Wannatabe) to complete one last, extremely dangerous job. That, of course isn't even the tip of the plot iceberg.
The storyline got so overstuffed, eventually I had to stop even trying to understand what was happening. Part of that is probably purposeful, since a main theme in the film is the fine line between dreamworld and the real world. It's unsettling, but don't worry. Even if you lose track of what's going on, the tense or surprising moments still land. I was on the edge of my seat for the ending, and I probably missed 20% of the plot points.
I focused instead on the absolute beauty and spectacle of the film. Everything from the locations to the lighting to wardrobe to the actor's hairstyles seems to matter to Nolan. All those visual aspects are extremely cohesive and you can tell how much time and effort this movie required. It makes the movie feel like, well, art. I could watch the movie on mute and still be totally enraptured.
And that goes for the blockbuster scenes, too-normally I don't care at all for big loud CGI sequences, but these are amazing! The scene from the trailer of a city street turning on itself is even cooler in the movie (my favorite special effect involves floating people and elevators, but I don't want to give too much away).
The only thing I had a real problem with was DiCaprio. I'm sorry, but I just didn't buy his character at all. He has a very simple motivation (to be vague, he's a family man at heart) that seemed too weak for such an impressive movie. I found myself wanting to spend more time with the other actors, especially Ellen Page, as Ariadne the young student, and Joseph Gordon Levitt as Arthur, Cobb's right hand man. These two characters had very little if any back story and I still found them much more engaging. Sorry, Leo.
So, should you see Inception? YES. The plot is kind of confusing, and the lead character is a bit boring, but all that is minor in the face of the amazing visuals in this movie.
Plus, it stuck with me-I had a dream last night I too could go into people's dreams.
RATINGs:
OVERALL
5/5-go see it!
SEXINESS
3.5/5-there are some cute dudes, but I hate to say it, kind of not what this movie is about. Just see it anyway!
OTHER
5/5 turning to your neighbor and asking what the eff just happened Seriously this movie is incredibly confusing, but in a way that makes you want to call Christopher Nolan and get him to explain it to you.
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