Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Culkins

I have recently decided that the Culkins are an extremely attractive trio of actors. For clarity, I am speaking of Macaulay, Kieran, and Rory. There are 3 other sibs in the Culkin clan but they will not be discussed in this blog post, as they are not famous or actors. (The above photo is of Kieran and Macaulay)

It all began on Thanksgiving Day. I ate lunch/dinner at my dad's house in Port Matilda and then went to work at 5PM. I got off work at 11PM, and had to get up at 3AM to go Black Friday shopping w/ my mom. Knowing that I would be unable to wake up that early, I decided to just stay up the entire night. I went to Target first and then ended up at WalMart at around 4:15 to get in line for the electronics sale that started at 5. It was then that I purchased a Blu Ray Player, along w/ the film Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (which I HIGHLY recommend). This movie co stars Kieran Culkin as Scott Pilgrim's roommate, and he does an excellent job. Perhaps my exhaustion awakened my senses to the truth - or perhaps my mature sensibilities have led me to seek outside my previous fake love Davy Jones. Whatever the reason, it was then that I realized that Kieran Culkin is fucking sexy.

Intrigued, I began watching other recent Culkin films. My blu ray player came with a $15.99 credit towards movies on some app called "Vudu," so I ordered the movie Saved! for $3.99. I had seen Saved! when it was originally released in theaters in 2004 and thought it was great. It's a story about a girl who goes to a Born Again Christian school, whose boyfriend confesses to being gay. In order to save him from damnation, she has sex with him to try and change him into a heterosexual. She then becomes pregnant, and a whole bunch of shit ensues. I was in Catholic school at the time, so I was curious if I would still enjoy it as much, and I definitely did. My rental was for 48 hours and I watched it twice. Anyways, one of the main characters is played by Macaulay Culkin, and he has fine written all over him. As if that's not enough, I watched some interviews with him on YouTube, and he seems like a totally nice guy. Unfortunately, he's currently dating Mila Kunis, who is approximately 8,000x hotter than I am, so I'm not confident about my chances. He's also 30 years old, but that's totally a minor detail.

I tried to buy the movie Lymelife on Vudu also, but for some reason the sound didn't work, so I was unable to watch it. Lymelife stars Rory Culkin, although Kieran is also in it. This means that the only movie featuring Rory I have to report on is Signs, in which he is 12 years old. That's kind of creepy, but today Rory is the same age as me - 21! And he's single! (Kieran is 27 - and dating Emma Stone, who is also 8,000x hotter than I am) So I guess the conclusion here is that my best chance is with Rory. Which kind of sucks because I don't like his long hair style. But maybe we can assume that when we start dating he'll cut it off for me.


Through my journey I determined that the sex appeal comes from the "sleepy face" that all the Culkins have. When I told Sky about my new interest, she said was "not surprised." I don't know what that says about me. However, as soon as I watch Igby Goes Down, Lymelife, and Party Monster, I will have more to report on the matter. STAY TUNED


  1. I would not get too attached - as child actors, it is probably likely that the "sleepy eyes" are due to some sort of drug addiction and/or alcohol problem...

  2. I refuse to believe such things about my future husbands