Sex and Breakfast

I just watched a film from 2007 on Instant Netflix called Sex & Breakfast. As you may recall, I am in a Macaulay Culkin phase and am attempting to watch his filmography over break, in addition to that of his brothers. He starred in this movie alongside Eliza Dushku, Kuno Becker, and Alexis Dziena, none of whom are very recognizable actors. (Eliza Dushku was in Bring It On & Alexis Dziena was in a bunch of shitty romantic comedies of the late 00s - When In Rome, Fools Gold, and Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. Kuno Becker was in a series of Spanish movies.)

The story is about two couples (Mac & Alexis / Kuno & Eliza) who are having a rough period in their sex lives. For Macaulay and Alexis, the issue lies with Alexis' inclination towards "bad boys." As Macaulay's character is not a bad boy, Alexis finds it difficult to be completely attracted to him. Meanwhile, his character is kind of smarmy (a common theme in his movies, I've noticed), and doesn't want to participate in couples therapy, but is doing so anyway to be compliant. For Kuno and Eliza, the issue is that Kuno believes Eliza to be a lesbian, and has angry outbursts when she bonds with other girls, suspecting her to be cheating. Both pairs sign up for a sex therapy class in which they are encouraged to participate in group sex with another couple, and end up getting matched with each other. One couple stays together, and another one breaks up, but I WONT TELL WHO since I know you're so intrigued by this blurb that you're going to run out and rent it.

I thought this was a pretty good movie. I loved Macaulay of course, and I really liked Alexis Dziena as his girlfriend. She made the character feel very natural. The fact that I liked her speaks for her acting ability, because she was the type of character whom I generally hate. I don't get the "bad boy" thing and I think it's really annoying when girls date guys who beat up random strangers out of anger & then act surprised when they end up with a black eye. Obviously if he's willing to attack other people he's going to be willing to attack you. There's a scene where she invites her ex boyfriend over for the weekend and has Macaulay drive him home from the airport. A car cuts in front of them, and the ex boyfriend leaps out the car and beats up the driver of the other car. And Alexis gets mad at MACAULAY for "not standing up for himself." I think beating the shit out of a stranger because they cut in front of you on the highway could be classified as an "over reaction" but apparently it's super romantic. Anyway, her performance was very genuine. I liked the other actress a lot, too. The female characters were definitely the most dynamic. For the men, I thought Kuno Becker was pretty flat, but it was passable.

I thought the movie had a pretty good pace - it was mostly dialogue driven, but it never felt slow. However, it's only 81 minutes, so it's quick movie anyway. I didn't like the ending. I guess it was surprising, which could be a good thing, but I felt like a lot of the characters were just continuing on an unhealthy path. Another downside was that the humor is a little cheesy, and a lot of the banter between the couples feels forced.

Overall Quality 3/5 It's pretty entertaining & has some solid acting
Hotties 4/5 Macaulay is hot, but the other guy is totally fug
Lessons 1/5 No one learns anything in this movie

The Culkins

I have recently decided that the Culkins are an extremely attractive trio of actors. For clarity, I am speaking of Macaulay, Kieran, and Rory. There are 3 other sibs in the Culkin clan but they will not be discussed in this blog post, as they are not famous or actors. (The above photo is of Kieran and Macaulay)

It all began on Thanksgiving Day. I ate lunch/dinner at my dad's house in Port Matilda and then went to work at 5PM. I got off work at 11PM, and had to get up at 3AM to go Black Friday shopping w/ my mom. Knowing that I would be unable to wake up that early, I decided to just stay up the entire night. I went to Target first and then ended up at WalMart at around 4:15 to get in line for the electronics sale that started at 5. It was then that I purchased a Blu Ray Player, along w/ the film Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (which I HIGHLY recommend). This movie co stars Kieran Culkin as Scott Pilgrim's roommate, and he does an excellent job. Perhaps my exhaustion awakened my senses to the truth - or perhaps my mature sensibilities have led me to seek outside my previous fake love Davy Jones. Whatever the reason, it was then that I realized that Kieran Culkin is fucking sexy.

Intrigued, I began watching other recent Culkin films. My blu ray player came with a $15.99 credit towards movies on some app called "Vudu," so I ordered the movie Saved! for $3.99. I had seen Saved! when it was originally released in theaters in 2004 and thought it was great. It's a story about a girl who goes to a Born Again Christian school, whose boyfriend confesses to being gay. In order to save him from damnation, she has sex with him to try and change him into a heterosexual. She then becomes pregnant, and a whole bunch of shit ensues. I was in Catholic school at the time, so I was curious if I would still enjoy it as much, and I definitely did. My rental was for 48 hours and I watched it twice. Anyways, one of the main characters is played by Macaulay Culkin, and he has fine written all over him. As if that's not enough, I watched some interviews with him on YouTube, and he seems like a totally nice guy. Unfortunately, he's currently dating Mila Kunis, who is approximately 8,000x hotter than I am, so I'm not confident about my chances. He's also 30 years old, but that's totally a minor detail.

I tried to buy the movie Lymelife on Vudu also, but for some reason the sound didn't work, so I was unable to watch it. Lymelife stars Rory Culkin, although Kieran is also in it. This means that the only movie featuring Rory I have to report on is Signs, in which he is 12 years old. That's kind of creepy, but today Rory is the same age as me - 21! And he's single! (Kieran is 27 - and dating Emma Stone, who is also 8,000x hotter than I am) So I guess the conclusion here is that my best chance is with Rory. Which kind of sucks because I don't like his long hair style. But maybe we can assume that when we start dating he'll cut it off for me.

IN CONCLUSION

Through my journey I determined that the sex appeal comes from the "sleepy face" that all the Culkins have. When I told Sky about my new interest, she said was "not surprised." I don't know what that says about me. However, as soon as I watch Igby Goes Down, Lymelife, and Party Monster, I will have more to report on the matter. STAY TUNED

Tangled 3D / The Fate of Princess Movies

I recently saw Tangled 3D at my theater the other day. I missed the first 8 minutes because I somehow managed to mix up the times, despite BEING EMPLOYED BY THE THEATER, so I can't speak for the intro or the opening credits, but I can tell you that the entire rest of the movie is 100% awesome. Sky thinks its as good as The Little Mermaid, with which I agree. In fact, I think it's as good as Pocahontas, but when I told this to Sky she become outraged and called me blasphemous. Apparently you can't just go around saying a movie is as good as Pocahontas, there are procedures and field studies and years of research that are required for such bold a statement. (But I stand by it.)

"Tangled" is a Disney movie that was originally titled "Rapunzel" which is in fact about the fairy tale Rapunzel. They changed the title after the lackluster success of "Princess and the Frog" last year, which fell way below expectations and still didn't even make back the budget last time I checked. So Disney got this idea that "princess movies" are no longer marketable, because they marginalize the film into a female demographic, which means that families with more than one child will more likely see a movie that's agreeable to both sexes instead. Because the title "Rapunzel" is immediately recognized as a "princess movie," they changed it to "Tangled," which gives no indicator as to the subject matter.

First of all, I have some things to say about the concept of a princess movie. I think a lot of Disney movies are categorized as being princess, when they actually have nothing to do with royalty or kingship. Any movie with a female lead is immediately labeled "princess." For instance, Belle from Beauty in the Beast is a peasant until the last 5 minutes of the movie, and she's considered a Disney Princess. So is Mulan, and she's a princess for literally none of the movie. Pocahontas is almost technically a princess, but she doesn't live in a castle, go to evening balls, or do anything featured in the original princess movies. Jasmine from Aladdin is a legit princess, but she's a supporting character at best. The only true princess movies are Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and Snow White.

I agree with Disney that its risky to put out a princess movie these days, but I disagree that it's because it alienates families with boys. I think Princess and the Frog didn't work because princess movies themselves don't work. Princess and the Frog features an African American princess, because for a long time people made the argument that Disney doesn't have any African American princess movies. While that's true, what people failed to mention is that Disney hasn't made a princess movie since 1959. Snow White came out in 1937 for fuck's sake. I think they should have titled Princess and the Frog something else, because really it's not about a princess either, it's about a poor girl. They should have made the emphasis that it was a movie with a black lead, not that it was a movie with a black princess. People don't like the princess movies as much because they really aren't that good. I haven't watched Snow White since I was 7, but I watch Mulan at least once a year, and I have the Pocahontas soundtrack on my iPod. The only reason people loved Snow White so much is because it was 1937 and there were like 6 movies in theaters and the fact that pictures could move and talk was already half the entertainment. Aurora of Sleeping Beauty isn't even in her movie! She's the sleeping beauty, and she's on screen less than Jasmine from Aladdin. And with a release date of 1959, Aurora is easily the freshest of the princesses. Why would kids want to go see a princess sleep for 70 minutes and then get married at 16 when they could watch a merry band of hilarious toys go on an adventure and learn about friendship? I know which one I would (and did) pick.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR PRINCESS MOVIES?
Stop making them & stick to a story that's actually dynamic. Interesting characters/dialogue are also a plus.

Quality 5/5 It's awesome. Would definitely see again.
Hottie Quotient 3/5 Zachary Levi is actually pretty attractive in real life
Worthiness to Previous Disney Classics 4/5 It's not as good as the Lion King, but it's definitely as good as the other Renaissance movies