Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Cosmopolitan Magazine

This post has nothing to do with movies, but I decided to write it anyway because I am a) drunk and b) fed up with Cosmopolitan magazine.


So I have this issue of Cosmo sitting in my bathroom. It has Lauren Conrad on the cover, and a lot of advertisements on what my man is craving and how to take him from zero to blast off. The fact that I saw a magazine cover in which ejaculation was referred to as "blast off," and then proceeded to buy it should be enough to have me institutionalized, but that's a post for another time. For whatever reason, the Cosmo ended up in my bathroom and I have read it cover to cover many times, and each time it has made me increasingly angry. Here is a series of reasons why no one should purchase Cosmo:

1. It's Fucking Presumptuous
Cosmo has a lot of bold assumptions about what all women (or Fun Fearless Females, as Cosmo says) do, think, eat, want, read, watch, believe, and imagine. And they are all wrong. I mean I guess they're right for someone, perhaps Lauren Conrad, but definitely not for me.

The first thing FFFs want, according to Cosmo, is "the answers to all the crazy sex questions you're too terrified to ask!! But don't worry WE WENT THERE!" These crazy sex questions range from "If you're pregnant, can his penis hit the baby?" and "My guy has asthma, does that mean he can't have sex?" First of all, THANKS COSMO for pushing the limits of journalism where others before you could not. Thank God somebody's tackling the hot button issues. Second of all, what kind of magazine buying adults wrote those letters and sent them in? Half the articles in the magazine are about marriage, and a substantial amount are about "careers," so I don't understand how someone w/ either one of those doesn't know where the uterus is located.

The second thing FFFs want is to eat salads and drink spring water. You might think that sounds esoteric, but trust me, those two items appear more often in this magazine than anything else besides men. One of their common reader dilemmas is "What to do when all your man wants for dinner is greasy food and beer! Yuck!" It literally says yuck. Are you kidding me? Is there another magazine out there where all men do is write in about me? "ALL KATIE WANTS TO DO IS EAT PIZZA AND GO TO THE BAR. OMG HELP A BRO OUT!" There's a photo of Chinese food and Lionshead on the cover, with the caption HOW TO TAKE KATIE TO BLAST OFF! This goes hand in hand with the assumption that everyone on Earth wants to lose weight. There are always articles on dieting labeled as the "health section," but it's actually not about health, its strictly about weight loss. If you're anemic, fuck you, that's not a real health problem.

2. None of the Guys in It Are Hot

None. They have all these pics of "mouth watering hotties," which are absolutely not hot at all. They all look like Sam Worthington knock offs, except the one black guy, who is always bald. I guess being bald makes him more palatable to FFFs? They have no short guys, no Bradley Coopers, and nothing of interest for me.

3. It Pretends to Be Progressive
Cosmo acts like it's creating some type of 2nd sexual revolution. It's not. All of the articles about how to please the boyfriend you definitely have, and how to make him the husband you definitely want. There's one about what to put in your bathroom so your boyfriend doesn't have to use your girly products. I have a crazy idea for Cosmo: If he doesn't like rain fresh shampoo then he can use his own bathroom. It also has a habit of dismissing all misbehavior by men as easily forgivable acts of fear. "Your man ignores you and tells everyone you're a slut? HE GOT TOO ATTACHED AND FREAKED!" OK well next time he gets "freaked" he can also get "dumped" because there's no reason they should be excused for acting like a dick.

That's all I have for now.